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Other Topics => Creative Endeavors => Topic started by: Grakthis on February 11, 2004, 06:19:38 am
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Ok, so I almost never post here... but I am gonna make an exception.
A friend of mine is putting together a collection of creative works by friends of his. He wants to actually spend the money to either publish it or make an interactive CD out of it.
So this is what I was thinking of submiting to him, but I know it needs some cleaning up. I wrote it like 2 years ago....
Anyways, the point is, I am interested in hearing some honest feedback. I don't want the "wow! That is sooooo good!!" type responses from people who think they are supposed to be nice. If you don't like it, or some part of it, tell me WHAT and WHY so I can work on improving it.
Make sense?
:D
Average
I’ve got a story to tell you”. James stood from his desk and walked across the room to the chair where another figure was seated. “You always said I never opened up to you.”, he began walking slow steady circles around the chair, “That I was too withdrawn.” James, paused, looked back at the figure and half-smiled. “Well, we’ve got a few minutes right now, so here it is. My chance to open up to you, Jenna”. “Maybe it’s too late now… but I believe in fixing my mistakes. They always say, better late than never”. James turned his back to Jenna and, in his mind, counted out the 5 steps back to his desk. His shoes clicked on the hardwood floors. One, for the first day we met. Two, for our first date. Three, for the first time we made love. Four, one for each year we were together. Five, for the five months we didn’t talk to each other. At each step, James would look at back at Jenna, start to speak but then stop and pace again. He stood motionless for several minutes looking out the window at the tall building in the distance. Slowly, he removed his suit jacket, the letters “Armani” emblazoned across the cuff, and hung it in the corner. Both figures remained motionless for several moments. Jenna desperately wanted to say something to James, to break the silence with anything, but instead sat there quietly. Finally, James turned back to his desk, poured himself a glass of bourbon form the cabinet of red-wax covered bottles and settled down into his tall brown-leather office chair.
As James looked down at Jenna he could feel the first few swallows of whiskey dripping their way into his stomach and down into his veins. James’ thick padded leather chair sat easily three inches above the small wooden office chair James chose for Jenna. James was very specific in how he arranged his office. The desk and chair were arranged so that the picture window behind him would let in just enough sun to make anyone sitting across from him a little uncomfortable. Of course the sun had long since gone down this evening. After a few moments he spoke again “I’m sorry, maybe this…”. James looked up from his glass of whiskey and into the eyes of his visitor and then he remembered why they were there. Why she was there. She needed to hear this and he needed to hear what she had to say. He didn’t want to do this. He had to do this. Besides, it was too late to turn back now. In one quick swallow James downed the remaining liquor and placed the crystal glass to the side by the cabinet.
“Growing up, I was never the smartest kid. I was never the most athletic kid. I was never the most popular or the best looking. I was one of those kids who always managed to disappear in the crowd. Lost in the obscurity of the American school system. I spent most of my childhood content to be”, James paused, “average.” He smiled slightly. “When we played basketball, I was never picked first, but I was never picked last either”. “No one ever called on me to make plans, but I always had a long list of people I could count on to include me in their plans if I took the initiative and called them”. “The first girl I asked to a dance rarely said yes, but I always had a date by the time I asked the third girl on my list”, James shrugged.
“I still remember my first real girlfriend. I was in junior high. 8th Grade. My last year before I became a full fledged high school student.” James settled back into his chair and placed his feet up on his otherwise spotless mahogany desk. “There was a whole group of girls some friends of mine always hung out with. As the weeks went by we all kind of paired off with the girls. I guess we had finally realized girls didn’t have cooties and maybe they had something we were interested in after all.”
James’ eyes searched the ceiling, “Her name was Lesley. Lesley…well, I can’t remember her last name anymore. I guess it doesn’t matter really.” His eyes returned back to his guest. “She had shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, and more than anything in the world, she just wanted people to like her. Lesley would do anything to feel special. It was easy for a young boy to use that to his advantage.”
“It didn’t last very long though. Just long enough for me to get a taste of the opposite sex. She eventually moved to the next county and I never really saw her again. Of course I would see her out at the mall, or at parties… but I never really talked to her. I guess I knew she was replaceable. And she was.”
“The next one came just a few months later. Sarah. Sarah Coleman. You remember Sarah? She went to college with us” James turned his head slightly “you don’t remember Sarah Coleman? Well, she graduated the same year we did. She was around at a lot of the same parties you that we went to. In fact she was there when… well. I’ll get to the part in a minute” James frowned.
“Then, in High School, there was”, James counted each name off on his fingers, “Kate, Kristin, Erin, Kelly, Catherine and Ashley.” James brought his feet back down to the floor under his desk and leaned forward to get a better look at Jenna. “They were all pretty girls. They all had their good sides and their bad sides. Sarah was really a looker from a distance, but she had one eye that would wander from time to time. Kate would constantly fluctuate between being too skinny and too chubby. Catherine had her terrible mood swings and Kelly was in and out of counseling so much I felt like she was spending more time with her psychiatrist than she was with me.”
“I don’t know if any of those relationships really made me happy, but each of those girls made me feel safe. Comfortable. Sometimes feeling comfortable can be just as good as being happy.” James rose from his desk again and knelt next to Jenna. James raised a hand to brush the hair back from Jenna’s eyes, and Jenna flinched away from his hand. A dark cloud passed across James’ face, “But that was what was wrong with you, wasn’t it?” James stood and began to pace back and forth in front of Jenna. “Nothing was ever comfortable was it? God forbid anything ever be that easy.”
James stopped his pacing and circled around behind Jenna and whispered into her ear, “but I’m getting ahead of myself aren’t I?” James found a seat on the front edge of his desk and lowered his eyes down to his three hundred dollar loafers. “So skip ahead a few years. It’s the summer before college. I had already settled on State because I knew they would accept me and because that’s where all of my friends were going.” James reached up and loosened his tie. “I didn’t know what I was going to major in, but what freshmen does?”.
“Then, the most amazing thing happened to me”. James looked up at Jenna. “I met this girl. She wasn’t like any of the other girls I had dated. She was perfect. She had perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect lips…”. Jenna let her eyes lock with James’ for an instant than looked away immediately. “You were at State because it was all your parents could afford. You and I both knew you belonged at a big name school. Hell, you were granted admission to most of them. But the scholarship board saw fit to only give you enough for a state school. So you went and you didn’t complain”.
“But you worked your charm. Everyone at school loved you. By far the most popular girl in our freshmen class. Way out of my league naturally. But every time I’d see you at a party you’d make eye contact with me. Then, when I didn’t have the courage, you approached me!” James raised his voice in mock ire. “Didn’t you know that I’m not good enough for you?” James managed to force a smile. “I was a B and C student! You had straight A’s your whole life. You dated the college football star! I was thrilled when a cheerleader smiled at me once! But something about the way you laughed at my bad jokes, and stood close to me when we talked…” James’ voice trailed off.
“I could recount our years together. Tell you about all of the memorable dates. The long weekend in the mountains. The week in Italy. The hundreds of nights spent sitting in the dorms just being together. But you were there. You remember.”
“But do you really remember what you did to me during that time?”, the anger in James’ voice rose. “You started to reshape me. You told me that business degree would help me get a good job so we could be happy together. You told me how much better I look in dress khaki’s than blue jeans. You suggested that I would be great for student council. You told me that being an officer in the business frat would look good on my resume. You helped run my campaign for class president and helped me write my acceptance speech. You helped me get my first job, hell, you practically got the job for me. You were with me when I got my first raise and landed my first big sale. And I did it all…” James paused and closed his eyes. “I did it all because I just wanted to make you happy”.
James paused, as if he was expecting Jenna to speak, and when she didn’t he continued on, “but you know how the story ends. Eventually the girl gets tired of her play toy. Once she’s reshaped him in whatever image she sees fit, she moves on to the next one. Isn’t that how the game works? Or was it because I couldn’t live up to the expectations you had set for me? Was that why I saw you with HIM downtown last weekend? And if you expected me to believe that ‘he’s just a friend’ bullshit…” James could see tears starting to trickle down Jenna’s cheeks as she shook her head from side to side. She’d denied it since the first time James confronted her. He didn’t expect any less now. James slowly circled around behind Jenna and lowered his mouth down to whisper in her ear.
“So now is the moment of truth, the real reason we’re both here.” James licked his dry lips, “Why did you do it? Why did you take me away from my life and force me to be an ideal I could never live up to? Why did you abandon me when I needed you the most?”
James reached up and removed the bandana from Jenna’s mouth so she could speak. Jenna sobbed uncontrollably, unable to speak through her tears for several minutes. But James was patient. He had been waiting a week for this, he could wait a few more minutes. Jenna’s eyes focused on the now empty red plastic can in the corner of the room and the overwhelming fumes that filled the room. When she was finally able to speak she looked up at James, “I only wanted you to live up to your potential. I just wanted us to be happy.”
“I think I was happy once Jenna. Before things got so … perfect.” James quickly placed the gag back over Jenna’s mouth and, ignoring her muffled sobs, walked down to the garage to look for his matches.
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Okay, a few points:
*It is begging to be played out, made into a scene/written in dialogue (or monologue as the case seems!) format.
*Its very ummm 'filmy', i can identify with conventions of certain films in the story. Whether that is a good thing or not is your opinion- in my opinion i feel it is a little cliched at times. i.e putting his feet onto the desk just brings back memories of Dr.Evil (nothing to do with your love of the emote of course :wink: )
* His style of speech becomes less formal (maybe that is your intention? I don't know, i don't see an indicator of him loosening up to cue the informal speech but maybe i haven't read it well enough), and the severity of the actions seems to decrease. I.e at the beginning you think "woah she's going to have done something absoloutely awful" and it seems somewhat an anti-climax.
*There is a lot of 'lowering eyes to the floor" "lifting eyes to the ceiling"- an eye workout if you will. Bwhaaha.
Overall, i do actually really like it. The tension is really good and the ending seems rather abrupt- but i like that.
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- There are a deal of grammar mistakes. Look over it again.
- I didn't exactly understand what was going on for the first few paragraphs or so.
I'll add more in later, I have to go.
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wow. i didnt check for grammer. i just read it. as it was. and what i read was so good! kinda scary, i had to close msn so i cld concentrate, it kept the tension really well. well done! :D
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I liked the story and enjoyed reading it. If you add anything, I would try to go into detail on the answers to these questions:
Why did you take me away from my life and force me to be an ideal I could never live up to?
Why did you abandon me when I needed you the most?
Or was it because I couldn’t live up to the expectations you had set for me?
The guy's wearing Armani and has a huge office - sounds like he's doing fine living up to expectations. Is there some other catalyst causing his descent into insanity? Has his business gone bad, or what? He seems too successful to give it all up now.
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okay, it is a good short story. here are my opinions:
First, I would use the omniscient narrator to your advantage more. You start off describing everything and it slowly becomes all narration on James' part. We don't really get a sense of what that girls purpose is...like i've even forgotten her name now. I would maybe use an omniscient narrator to contrast James with her, maybe go in to her character and what she is personally like. He says that she won everyone over with her charm, is that something she is like in private or is it something that is just for show, how she acts towards others but really isn't?
I think your transition from narration to character narration is really good, very smooth. it's not choppy...i would just fill in what little gaps there are. Why is he so content with being average? Was there something he liked about being pushed by her? It seems like because he was never pushed by anyone before, he liked having that reinforcement from her....maybe make these things a bit clearer. :)
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okay, it is a good short story. here are my opinions:
First, I would use the omniscient narrator to your advantage more. You start off describing everything and it slowly becomes all narration on James' part. We don't really get a sense of what that girls purpose is...like i've even forgotten her name now. I would maybe use an omniscient narrator to contrast James with her, maybe go in to her character and what she is personally like. He says that she won everyone over with her charm, is that something she is like in private or is it something that is just for show, how she acts towards others but really isn't?
i disagree. i think that because it's just James is what makes this story work. Readers don't like to be told, they like to figure it out. Revealing is much better than telling, and I think you've done that well.
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okay, it is a good short story. here are my opinions:
First, I would use the omniscient narrator to your advantage more. You start off describing everything and it slowly becomes all narration on James' part. We don't really get a sense of what that girls purpose is...like i've even forgotten her name now. I would maybe use an omniscient narrator to contrast James with her, maybe go in to her character and what she is personally like. He says that she won everyone over with her charm, is that something she is like in private or is it something that is just for show, how she acts towards others but really isn't?
i disagree. i think that because it's just James is what makes this story work. Readers don't like to be told, they like to figure it out. Revealing is much better than telling, and I think you've done that well.
yes, but i don't really understand what part she plays in the story, why she makes him so angry...to me that's unclear, but that could just be me :wink: i'm not saying he should give the whole thing away, but maybe a little background in the beginning....or like when he says that thing about her in college, he could use the omniscient narrator to express her feelings, or why she's not talking.
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I think most of you hit the central questions right on the nose. And in my mind they are all questions the story DOESN'T want to answer. I think they are questions the reader SHOULD be left with at the end. Specifically, I was kinda hoping to leave the reader with things like...
Why did James feel so uncomfortable with his sucess?
Did Jenna really do anything wrong?
To the question about "why doesn't Jenna speak", if you re-read the last 2 paragraphs I think that becomes obvious ;)
@Rosie - Yeah, I fall into cliches and I tried to edit some of them out on my second pass. I probably need to remove a few more. I have always written to describe sceenes in my head. So if things feel "filmy" that is why. I actually have the rooms and characters and clothing and everything down to where the garage is located in the house all planned out in my head. I have no idea if this is a good writing technique or not.....
So I guess, the question I would like to pose to the panel is "How do you feel about James?"
Do you feel sympathetic? Do you hate him? Do you feel sorry for him? etc etc etc.
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i think the problem for me is that i don't like being left with too many questions, but that's just my preference. i see what you mean Andrew. I still think a little more on Jenna's side could be added, but that's just me :-P
As for James, hell no i don't feel sorry for him. i mean, i can see why he'd be upset, but he let himself be pushed around by her, so it's his own fault in the end. yeah, she initiated it, but he also has power over his choices.
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@Rosie - Yeah, I fall into cliches and I tried to edit some of them out on my second pass. I probably need to remove a few more. I have always written to describe sceenes in my head. So if things feel "filmy" that is why. I actually have the rooms and characters and clothing and everything down to where the garage is located in the house all planned out in my head. I have no idea if this is a good writing technique or not.....
it's the best technique to use! I am taking a creative writing course right now, and my professor encourages this technique. A lot of writers use it. The author of The Shipping News (name escapes me at the moment) said that she writes a prequel and a sequel to the actual novel she intends to publish. If you, as an author, don't know your characters- every idiosynchrosy, their favorite food, their favorite color, their worst fear, etc.- then you can't write about them. This isn't to say that you need to publish everything, it's for your use only.
I personally feel you have just the right balance of tension. Like I said before, you reveal your characters beautifully. I think that it may come off as "filmy" because there's no "inner monologue" and that's perefectly ok. Just about all of the story is told through words and action, and that's what you get in a screenplay.
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@Rosie - Yeah, I fall into cliches and I tried to edit some of them out on my second pass. I probably need to remove a few more. I have always written to describe sceenes in my head. So if things feel "filmy" that is why. I actually have the rooms and characters and clothing and everything down to where the garage is located in the house all planned out in my head. I have no idea if this is a good writing technique or not.....
it's the best technique to use! I am taking a creative writing course right now, and my professor encourages this technique. A lot of writers use it. The author of The Shipping News (name escapes me at the moment) said that she writes a prequel and a sequel to the actual novel she intends to publish. If you, as an author, don't know your characters- every idiosynchrosy, their favorite food, their favorite color, their worst fear, etc.- then you can't write about them. This isn't to say that you need to publish everything, it's for your use only.
Oohh we were going to read The Shipping News in Ap Eng but Winne pulled it. i tried reading it last year, but the sentance structures were too broken and it pissed me off too much to read it :-P JK Rowling uses that technique, writing everything about the characters for her own use.
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I have always written to describe sceenes in my head. So if things feel "filmy" that is why. I actually have the rooms and characters and clothing and everything down to where the garage is located in the house all planned out in my head. I have no idea if this is a good writing technique or not......
I do that when writing lyrics/poems...except it's for music videos (I also make music videos up for other people's songs...)
Is it good? Sometimes it helps bring the people into the story more.
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I have always written to describe sceenes in my head. So if things feel "filmy" that is why. I actually have the rooms and characters and clothing and everything down to where the garage is located in the house all planned out in my head. I have no idea if this is a good writing technique or not......
I do that when writing lyrics/poems...except it's for music videos (I also make music videos up for other people's songs...)
Is it good? Sometimes it helps bring the people into the story more.
And sometimes you find yourself going all "dickens" on the story and spending 5 pages describing the room :)
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this is not a short story and i am def. not reading all of that... :mrgreen:
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Andrew, great job! I really enjoyed that. Been awhile since I've read something that had me hooked in expectation of what will happen/be said next. (If it was only a novel!) :D
Anyways, people pretty much said the things I was going to say like about the typos and bad wording... such as: ...the same parties you that we went to.... that often happen when backspacing a couple times trying to get the right effect on what is being said.... Just fix those things. And as far as telling more about Jenna... I wouldn't. I agree, I like figuring things out. But thats why I wish this was a novel (are you going to keep going with it and write a book or keep it a short story and end it as it is?) ... because then I would be able to figure out with time whether Jenna is a whore or if James is so filled up with ego that he all of a sudden feels more powerful over her. I would love to learn who the other guy was, what sort of things that James apparently caught Jenna and him doing, more backflashing of James and Jenna's romantic past, etc... But that all can only come if you do more.... :P lol
Oh, and one more thing I'm kinda lost on:
-Five, for the five months we didn’t talk to each other.
-Was that why I saw you with HIM downtown last weekend?
-He had been waiting a week for this, he could wait a few more minutes.
Why the jagged jump from five months to a week? It seems okay if you figure that they're relationship was going awry (sp?) for sometime but there isn't anything to hint towards it.... Just seems that all of a sudden the guy wants to hurt her after all the years? that he "just wanted to make her happy." I suppose that could portray built up resentment for not being good enough, but it could perhaps be shown a tad through a sentence or two.... ?
Oh: "She needed to hear this and he needed to hear what she had to say." What was she suppose to say? She never really did say much that had to do with what he was saying... The only thing she said was that she just wanted to make him better.... I dunno. It just seems to be missing something. Something that I was expecting her to say, like pleading to him for forgiveness or something drastic and even patheticly (in James opinion which could therefore be sent to the readers)...
I really did enjoy this and you can write very well, very discriptive and detailed... I loved it! Hope to hear more!
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Needs more car chases
-Kev
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Needs more car chases
-Kev
*adds in*
Then Jenna remembers the bobby pin she has tucked into her sleeve. She quickly uses the pin to cut through her bonds, and rush to the garage. She hears James out there and grabs a candlestick that happened to be sitting there waiting for her. She swings the stick down, slamming James in the head and jumps into his Proshe Boxter. Jenna quickly realizes, she doesn't have the keys. They are in James' pocket.
Jenna quickly glances over at James' prostrate form to find the spot on the garage floor he once occupied empty except for a small amount of blood. Suddenly Jenna remembers, and lowers the visor. The keys to he car fall into her hands and Jenna floors the gas, pulling down the winding driveway.
Speeding off down the street, she knows she has to reach the police station in town, or atleast get far enough away to think.
Then, in her rear view mirror, she sees JAMES driving a semi-truck. She had forgotten he had one of those tucked away in case of an emergency.
*dramatic chase sceene insues*
*things blow up. Other cars get mangled*
*James ramps a car, flips over three times, comes to a rest. 3 second pause then the truck blows up*
*Jenna escapes and lives happily ever after*
*the end*
Better? :wink:
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Needs more car chases
-Kev
*adds in*
Then Jenna remembers the bobby pin she has tucked into her sleeve. She quickly uses the pin to cut through her bonds, and rush to the garage. She hears James out there and grabs a candlestick that happened to be sitting there waiting for her. She swings the stick down, slamming James in the head and jumps into his Proshe Boxter. Jenna quickly realizes, she doesn't have the keys. They are in James' pocket.
Jenna quickly glances over at James' prostrate form to find the spot on the garage floor he once occupied empty except for a small amount of blood. Suddenly Jenna remembers, and lowers the visor. The keys to he car fall into her hands and Jenna floors the gas, pulling down the winding driveway.
Speeding off down the street, she knows she has to reach the police station in town, or atleast get far enough away to think.
Then, in her rear view mirror, she sees JAMES driving a semi-truck. She had forgotten he had one of those tucked away in case of an emergency.
*dramatic chase sceene insues*
*things blow up. Other cars get mangled*
*James ramps a car, flips over three times, comes to a rest. 3 second pause then the truck blows up*
*Jenna escapes and lives happily ever after*
*the end*
Better? :wink:
I'd buy it on amazon
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And sometimes you find yourself going all "dickens" on the story and spending 5 pages describing the room :)
haha, no.
That's cuz I have this weird thing saying "you're writing too much, DAMN IT" in my head....of course my English teacher doesn't like that voice...he also doesn't like my lack of proofreading....
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Better?
Perfect! It brought a tear to my eye.
-Kev
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All in all, I think it's great. :)
But I agree with Rosie on the cliches and eye work outs. :-P
So I guess, the question I would like to pose to the panel is "How do you feel about James?"
Do you feel sympathetic? Do you hate him? Do you feel sorry for him? etc etc etc.
I think Jenna's the evil one here...
It brought a tear to my eye.
Poor baby *pets*