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« on: June 24, 2003, 09:10:43 pm »
Every morning, when you get up, say, "Well, time to go to class." Sit on your bed and act like you're turning your room key in the ignition. Then act like you're driving, turning an invisible steering wheel and making, "Rrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" engine sounds. Then, one day, chug a few beers before "driving" to class. Make the "Rrrrrrrrrrr" sounds, and then say, "Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" and act like you've had a car accident. Fling yourself off the bed and across the room, and pretend to be hurt. Spend the day in bed with an icepack on your forehead.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad and report that your roommate is spreading a highly contageous, infectious disease around the building. If your roommate protests, go on a tangent about health codes.
Every night, when you do your homework, put a balloon on the chair before you sit down. When the balloon breaks, act like you've been startled. Scream continuously for two minutes. Then, stop suddenly and start on your homework, as if nothing happened.
Wear earmuffs, all the time. Act like you can never understand what your roommate is saying. Pick up the phone at random, say "Hello?", and act confused, as if you don't understand why nobody's there. Answer the door at random, as if somebody had knocked, and look around the hallway as if somebody's supposed to be there. After about a week, stop wearing the earmuffs, and advise your roommate to never buy a hearing aid at a garage sale.
When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break it down with a big piece of lumber. Tell your roommate you forgot your key. Every night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side of the door. When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit you in the head, and that you've been knocked unconcious. Spend the night sleeping on the floor. After about a week, go to bed as you normally would. Complain loudly that you can't sleep.
Get lots of tomatoes. Sit with them in a corner of the room and have secret meetings. Inform your roommate that you have been nominated for president of the tomatoes. Put up campaign posters around the room. Select one tomato to be your campaign manager. Make speeches in front of the tomatoes. Then, one day, when your roommate comes back, give him/her a jar of tomato sauce, go on a tirade about fixed elections, and tell him/her that you really didn't want to be president of the tomatoes anyway.
Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. Whenever the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place. Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer." Someplace outside the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar. Beg him/her not to tell the hamster about it.
After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, stand in the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an hour in bed, complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.
Chew gum often. When you're finished chewing it, store it in a drawer until you've amassed a huge wad of used gum. If your roommate inquires, go on a tangent about recycling. When the gum wad gets big enough, sit it in front of the TV and let it watch cartoons. Complain to your roommate that the gum wad never watches anything educational.
Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate is doing to the rest of the building. "He/She's getting out a book!" "He/She's taking out his/her glasses!" Go around the building and take requests for what people would like your roommate to do. Report the results to your roommate.
Bring your roommate gifts, but act angry and upset when you give them to him/her. If your roommate inquires, yell at him/her and shout "It is better to give than to receive, you stupid moron!"
Get a duck. While your roommate is out, put on some dance music, and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, let him/her catch you dancing with the duck. Act surprised, turn off the music, and immediately go to bed. Get rid of the duck, and refuse to ever acknowledge that the incident occurred.
Turn out all the lights, and wait for your roommate to come home. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a golf club. Apologize, and explain that you thought he/she was a burglar.
Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let him/her use the telephone, microwave, etc. If he/she ever refuses, scream for help, and accuse your roommate of being an imposter.
Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and charge him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. Suggest that your roommate sign up for matador lessons.
If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it. Play it at full volume out your window. Tell your roommate that you're trying to summon a hippopotamus.
Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the door until someone in the hall lets you out. If your roommate inquires, give him/her a lecture on politeness.
Collect various types of insects. Keep them in jars. Complain to your roommate that the insects seem lathargic. Start running bingo games for the insects. One day, while your roommate is out, release the insects and paint insect bites and bee stings on your body. When your roomate returns, advise him/her to never cheat while playing with bingo-obsessed bugs.
Get an extension cord. Put one end in your mouth, and plug the other end into the wall each night while you do your homework. If your roommate asks about it, act as though you're ashamed for having been so foolish. The next day, pretend to drink some gasoline before doing your homework, and explain to your roommate that gas is cheaper than electricity. :wink:
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