Ode to a Tortoise
Oh Marlin, you are so large and slow
If I were a TV producer, I would have cast you in the current Geico Auto
Insurance commercial, and not that other silly tortoise who got the
job
If I were a rabbit, I would not run into you, like the rabbit in the Geico
Auto Insurance commercial -- instead, I would hop around you and
sell insurance in a different manner
If I were a pet store owner, I'd put you by the register so we could talk
whilst I rang up customers buying gravel and plastic divers for
their fish tank at home
If I were a webmaster, I would take a picture of you with a parachute
attached to your shell, in front of a blue background with little
construction paper cutouts of clouds, for my webpage about
recreational activities for pets
If I were a Floridian, I would dress you in a Marlins jersey and take you to
the stadium with me to enjoy a World Series game where I would hold
you up in the air during the seventh inning stretch so you could get on
the jumbo-TRON and inspire other Marlins fans to cheer louder
If I were a professional party planner, I would rent out Lotus for the night
and use all of my connections in the business to invite celebrities to a
costume party held in your honor where I would dress you up as a
medieval friar and make sure your picture got into the society pages
of Vogue magazine
If I were a restaurateur or deli owner I would name a dish after you and
introduce you to Senor Swanky because he needs to take a picture
with you for his restaurant chain
Oh, Marlin. You're the best tortoise I've never had.
