Lonely pt. 2

[Julie]

Lonely pt. 2

"Days like this
I don't know what to do with myself
All day
And all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath
I say to myself
'I need fuel
To take flight.'" Fiona Apple
No phone messages
No emails
No snail mail
No door bell ringing
No plans made
Not a thought of me
"Forget about her
She'll call me
And if she doesn't
Then I'll be free."
Maybe I'm paranoid
That's not what they think
But after a while
It starts to sink
The fires out
The water ain't flowin'
Everyone's busy
Never knowing
I'm still here
Waiting at home
By the phone
Or online
Couch potato
Nose in books
Did you ever ponder
Or take a look
At what's available
For the taking
Lonely woman
Undertaking
All her duties
As Miss Happy
Stood up again
Desperate girl
Find a hobby
Dumbass twit
Find some wit
Stop complaining
All that whining
You'll be fine
So now I'll go
Isobel's still sitting on her thrown - alone
No audience but elders to help her up
And into bed
Where she'll weep
Try to fall asleep
"In a forest pitch dark
Glowed the tiniest spark
It burst into a flame
Like me" Bjork
She was mad
But more so
She was lonely

[morningsting]

It's different, but I like it.
Nice work.

[NoelleNC]

I don't like your short lines- if you're gonna use such short lines, you have to justify why in the poem, and I don't see a reason (your other poem has this problem as well). I also don't particularly like your use of the word ponder. However, I liked the rhyming with twit and wit, cute

I also like the rhyming with the "go" and "throne". It's approximate, but it works. The mentioned two lines are the strongest in the whole poem, yet there is a disconnect between them and the rest of the poem because these lines made me smile and the rest depressed me. Your poem should have one tone unless you make the reader understand why there would be more than one... and at this point I don't understand.

I'm sorry if there is too much of the picky english major in me emerging. you can slap me. I'm just trying to give some perspective other than your own and I hope you don't find me too harsh.

[Julie]

Well, I don't think a poem should be critiqued so harshly as if there is supposed to be a certain format.  I think the art of expression is really all that matters.  I am totally for critiquing when it comes to truly trying to help someone with their poetry without slamming it.  I think with that, people need to suggest things, not say that it's shit just because it doesn't follow certain English teacher rules.  It's supposed to be a depressing poem-I was depressed when I wrote it so I'm not gonna try to make anyone happy about this poem since it's clearly about being lonely.