Song lyrics. I wrote this and it's called Yellow. comments:)

[jsbachsonata]

Yellow

As I open out the husk of your mysterious body
You reveal the smoothness of a mellow glowing

I can see the lighthouse beckoning me
with its soft arms lifting me gently
As I float across the blue in the yellow shine
And as long as I close my eyes
I will feel your silky wings of golden
flying me up in your yellow afterglow

Pearls of egg yolks on a bright, cotton-cloudy sky
and they are waiting to tell me
of a slow radiance I can only see
like a yellow autumn sun drinking into my eyes,
I’m flying,
flying me up in your yellow afterglow

Days of your lonely sorrow
And the sun being tucked under a light blanket
holding me ever closer to you
Nights of your summer rays
And the golden-light tenderness bathing me in the cold
flying me up in your yellow afterglow

As I peeled open the husk of your seaweed skin
You reveal your rusted, yellow coins shining dimly inside

[Ms.Redd]

I really really liked that!! Good lyrics, is there anyway that we can hear an audio too?? *hopes so*

Okay, ... My only suggestion is where you say cotton-cloudy sky. I like the idea it brings, but it just sounds a little... uh... I dunno. But I tried reading it these other two ways, it just maybe flowed a little nicer??

"Cotton sky" or "Cotton-Cloud Sky" (not a y at the end...) anyways... they're called suggestions for a reason. You ain't gotta respond to 'em! hee hee

(As if I'm some one who can flow well in the first place! HA!)

And though its not a suggestion or anything, hee hee, is being compared to seaweed a compliment?? hee hee

Great lyrics over all, and I really enjoyed the read... but like I said, any way we can hear the audio???

[jsbachsonata]

sorry. I don't have audio for this. I just wrote this in the form of lyrics. It doesn't accompany any audio. thank you so much for the compliments and suggestions!! thank you so much.

so many people that I have showed these lyrics to didn't really give me any useful information on how to change it. One person even said it was crap. haha. thanx for the suggestions so much.

[jsbachsonata]

ok. i know what i need. i need consonance and assonance rhyme to make it flow better. and I need more sensory details esp. taste and aural details.  umm... anyone have any other lyric techniques? I don't know how to arrange the lines. grr...