Always Be Here

[Julie]

Always Be Here

Always my hero
You still are to me
Hardly ever fought
People were astonished
Closer than close
The 2 of us
So much in common
You've introduced me to so much
As I've said before
Music is life and you've created that for me
I can't believe how far we've come
So long ago we were making jokes and sharing secrets
You telling me clever lies at my gullibility
You could never truly disappoint me because I'm always on your side
Because friends definitely came and went but when I needed you
You were there
Like they say
You're stuck with your siblings but you choose your friends
Well, you are my best friend who happens to be my kin
Protective of my feelings and jumps at the chance to defend
Piercing partners
Concert cats
Music junkies
You are so talented
I am fascinated every time
Your excitement is adorable
I admire you to no limit
I love you as deep as it runs
I will always understand
So if you need a hand
To make life feel more clear
Little sister will always be here

[NoelleNC]

This is a structural disaster (look how chaotic it looks on the screen) and seems quite personal. While I think specificity can be great, you are so specific that you are losing your audience to possible inside jokes or nick names, etc. When done the right way, specificity should seem general and relatable.

I like the sentiment and emotion behind this, but you might want to try to make this more relatable to others. Right now it seems too personal to really critique on a literature based level.

[Julie]

Look, I wrote this for my brother, so I don't really give a fuck if it's structurally okay for the poetry critiquing world.  I think it's fine the way it is.  I don't need it to relate to anyone because it's for my brother.  I'm here to share my poetry with other Vanessa fans who, I agree, are much better than me most of the time or perhaps all of the time.  Yes, it could be better, if I was more talented in the writing department but I'm not so I make it what it is.  There are many songs in this world that are inside joke-like or songs that some people don't understand - look at Tori Amos and Bjork.  A lot of there songs people don't understand but still enjoy.  Check out the lyrics to the song "Toast" by Tori Amos.  She wrote that for her brother and there are tons of inside jokes and whatnots in there, but it's still a beautiful song and has touching intentions.

[Bethany]

i actually really like your poem. the brief lines give it overall strength and conciseness. i love how personal the lyrics are. thats what true poetry is...avant guard lines pulled from deep inside of you. yup, thats my deep explanation hehehe  

[Julie]

Thank you Bethany.

[Bethany]

you're welcome and i meant every word of it. some advice that i like to do with my poems, is break up some of the lines. after a few lines, or a thought, make a space. i feel it give poems some abruptnes to the reader can kind of think about what was just said, and what it is you will say next. keep writing!