When I was young, I hardly had friends. People found me too emotional. Too whiny. Too annoying. I went through my childhood with two undiagnosed mental illnesses and it caused me a lot of heartache. But I had one friend that I would label as the best friend I've ever had in my life. His name: Max.
Max was always so chill. He tolerated my annoying habits, my overly-emotional tendencies. I'd spend the night at his house every weekend almost. I felt lonely so often, but not when I was with Max. He never complained to me or treated me as a lower life form for the way I acted and spoke (feminine). I remember one time I was spending the night. He had a furby and I wanted to play with it. He said we'd get into trouble, but I wanted to play with the furby. So he said "all right. I'll take the crap when she comes up." And left it at that. I didn't give him a thank you -- nothing. His mom came up and yelled, and Max told her that he was the one playing with it, not me. I felt like someone really cared about me for one of the first times.
I remember going on a bike ride once. We had gone too far, despite the warnings that if we went too far we'd be in trouble. Also, I was used to riding a bike with gears. And Max's bike didn't have them. Only his brother's did. So he let me ride it regardless the fact that his parents said no, only because I begged him to. Again, I didn't give him a thank you.
Later, close to the time we hit puberty, we stopped talking except seldomly. Then none at all. I didn't want to burden him with the new social stigma of having an openly gay friend. So I made myself into a hermit. I devoted my time to being on the computer, listening to music, and wishing someone would once again be my friend. Anyone who tried being my friend, I pushed away. And it stayed that way for a while. Then things changed and my life went in a downward spiral
I tried to commit suicide two times during the summer of 2008. The first time I nearly succeeded. I truly wanted to die so badly. I thought of suicide daily, hourly even. For months.
And that's where my Magical Thinking starts.
At my second visit to the psych institute, I got a phone call. It was my mother. She said to sit down, that she had news that might upset me. She told me that Max's mom and dad went out to dinner the night before and left Max home alone. He'd been going to the Governor's School of SC for Arts. It's a boarding school that is publicly funded for people who have pronounced artistic abilities. It's a hard school to get into. Only someone as talented as Max could get into it. That night, he was home for the weekend. When his parents came back, the went into his room to find him hanging from the ceiling. Dead.
When I heard the words I cried. I cried for hours. And then it stopped. I didn't think about it again until I left the hospital that I'd been staying at for six months. About a month ago, I thought about him. I had a dream about him. And then the fact hit me: my childhood friend was dead. I cried and went outside and asked him "why, Max? Why would you do this? You were so talented. You had everything! Why WHY would you do this? Everyone loved you, Max. Everyone! I don't think you had one person who had a grudge against you. You were musically and artistically brilliant... I wish you hadn't..."
So, the Magical Thinking started. I'd kept thinking "If I'd done it. If I'd succeeded. If I had just got to that FUCKING hospital ONE HALF AN HOUR later, and died. He would have woken up. He would see the devastation of a person no one really cared about. He would have seen that he couldn't do that to everyone. He couldn't waste himself. He just would wake up to the fact that I'd died and the pain it put everyone through would be so tremendous... He would have never thought about it again."
Since those few weeks ago, I've been having that thought perpetually. Then upon talking to his roommate and closest friend from Governor's school, I learned so much about him. Realized that we had so much to relate to each other that I never knew. And I wish I did. I wish I'd put in that effort to re spark our friendship so he could share with me the things he had shared with that friend. So many people are still grieving over this. But I've just begun. I don't know why. It just happened later.
When I heard the song "London" by Vanessa, it didn't click at first. I didn't really see what the reality of the story was. I didn't realize what she was talking about with the whole book
The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. And then yesterday, I read the lyrics once again. And it dawned on me. I read the book's synopsis and sat astonished in my chair.
Max is a heavenly creature. He will never return. And I keep wishing and hoping and using Magical Thinking to cope, but that's not what will get me through the stages. And Vanessa's new song really helped me realize that.
I posted a bulletin on his wall yesterday. It's the Facebook that Max himself created. And now people use it as his memorial. I posted some lyrics I felt really touched and connected to onto his page.
"
Got a knife-throwing kind of love
But your silence cuts the deepest
And I know I've made a mess of things
And I'm sorry for all that
Wish we could get the time back
'Cause I've never been so sure
That after all these years, all that I've learned
Is that heavenly creatures never come
Wait for it
Wait for it
Earth will turn when we're gone
So we pray that Heaven waits on us..."
Max isn't coming back. He's one of the universe's heavenly abyss now. And I can wait for him to return. I can beg for the clock to turn back. For me to fix it. For him to be alive. Because I'd sacrifice myself for him. For his family. For his friends. For his closest friend. And I am crying as I write this because I miss him. And even though we grew apart, I just wish we hadn't. And I can't wait for that anymore. Because there's no way to do that until I am old and go to where he is. And I know where he is. He's happy. Because he told me in a dream I've had. He's been in my dreams a lot lately, but only one did he say something that I remember. "Cavin, don't worry. You and I. We were buddies. And I wish I'd included you in my life. But I didn't, but I know you are not okay right now. But that will change. You will be okay. Learn from my mistake. I am okay, Cavin. I love it here. You will, too one day. And the veil is but thin." He hugged me and I woke up.
I messed it up, though. I was the one who pushed anyone away because I was afraid I'd only get rejected. I could've salvaged the friendship. I know I could have. But I know now there's nothing I can do. Magical Thinking may get me by for a while. But it won't forever.
Thank you, Vanessa, for that song. It is probably the most amazing song you've ever written. And I am so grateful that you did. And my tears are not just out of grief, but out of gratitude for you. And for Max. And for the fact I'd had a friend during my tortuous childhood. The one I'd desperately needed. This song has started the grief process. And I already feel that burden seeping from my skin. I feel the acceptance coming to my door. And one day, I know it will knock. And I know I'll see Max again in my dreams. And he'll hug me and say that I did it. And that Magical Thinking may have been necessary, but in the end, it was never Magical Thinking itself that got me over it. But the acknowledgment of that magical thinking. I can't wait for that day to come. And I can't wait for the night after to go to sleep and say my final goodbye.
Just thought I'd share this with everyone.
-Cavin
Edit: I just realized that this isn't the song based on that book, but it seems to be just as influenced as Fair-Weather Friends. I think London probably was inspired in the same way. It's definitely about that. Because she seems to be waiting for that person to come back... But she knows they never will. I assumed this was the song she said was based on that book just because of the lyrics... But regardless, the song touched me. And her talking about Magical Thinking in general has made an impact. And not only on me, but also some other people who were close to him in his later years...
--- Anniversary edit ---
Just in case you didn't hear this song if you're new.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXCUHrzXx7Q
