When I think about you, I remember the smile you somehow wore, unbelievably, to visitors. And the adorable way you'd tip your head to the side when I'd say your favorite things. When I think about you I think about jokes and laughs that lasted long. When I think about you I think of a good friend who was always there and kept my secrets from the rest of the world when there was no one else to trust anywhere. But when I think about you, a knot forms in my throat and tears sting my eyes with their presence. I tried to keep you and to hold on to you, but they ripped you away so savagely. I tired with all my might to stop them from hurting you but I failed. "She'll go peacefully," is what I kept hearing and at first they weren't going to let me stay with you. They said I couldn't handle it and maybe they were right, but I owed it to you for being so good to me. For a moment the people in white took you behind a door and I was scared about what they were doing to you while I wasn't watching. But they brought you back, even though it was a bittersweet return because in only minutes they were going to take you away from me forever. They said everthing would be okay, that you wouldn't feel a thing. "Peacefully," I heard again... But you were scared, ultimately terrified, and I tried to calm you but it wasn't working... I'm sorry. She put that needle in you and you didn't cry but I saw as your eyes flickered. You knew as well as I did what was going on and how you didn't deserve it. She pushed this fluid into you, and thats when your body flinched. I could barely touch you because they were hovered over you and trying to keep you still. I wanted you to get away... I knew that wouldn't happen though, so I just touched your nose. You took a really deep breath and let it out loudly. Something was really wrong because you couldn't move more then your head and your eyes shifted back and forth while everyone just stood and waited for you to go as you layed motionless on that cold table... Except you kept breathing... I knew you were trying hard to keep living... like you deserved, remember? You started heaving and struggling for air as your lungs started to shut down. But something was still so wrong and you hurt. Inside it was hurting you. So-called "peace" wasn't there for you becase you weren't gone yet... even after minutes had gone by, minutes that felt like hours to me... I can't even imagine what those few minutes felt like to you... Your mouth started to get watery as your body slowly, too slowly, shut itself down some more. The first lady in white left and came back with another shot. She stuck it in you but this time you didn't flich or flick your eyes... Probably because you couldn't, but I think you felt it still. Your breathing was still labored and your eyes had long since glazed over. The lady in white started asking me questions about you, if you had been sick, if I knew any reason that the drug wasn't taking its full affect on you. But you never had been and they were hurting you so badly... I cried and bawled as I kept touching your face while we all waited for you to be gone already... Finally, your glazed brown eyes had started to shut and your breath had begun to stop. You slowly huffed two last times as the people in white backed off and listened to your heart. "Now she's gone," they told me. I didn't believe them yet, so they stood there a second or so longer. Then they walked away. "Take as long as you want," they said as they left. I sobbed and ran my hand down your body one last time and I was shocked that you felt the same still. Your body was still warm and your fur was still soft... but you weren't moving and you didn't respond to my touch. I walked towards the door to leave you behind and I keptcrying because I felt lost and terrible for what I had just let happen to you. Dad asked me why I was ready so soon as if he expected me to keep looking at your lifeless body, seeiming so alive but not, as it layed heavily on the small, cold, stainless-steel table. I said to him as I shuffled my feet away, "Whats to stay for? She can't feel anymore. She's gone..." I dropped my head to look at your collar which I held tightly in my hands, trying to focus on it through the tears in my eyes... Those same tears I wipe away RIGHT NOW... And when I think of you I think of this and I don't nkow why it hurts so bad still, almost a whole year after your gone... But somehow you must've had such an impact on my life so that I miss you more everyday. I love you more everyday, also.
