This is what she wrote about in the march 04' Teen Vogue and here is the article i ended up typing for Dora and its also on her site..
When I think of my childhood, I think of playing in the woods and I'm the only one there. I kept to myself a lot and had really low moods. At the same time, I was incredibly productive, getting straight As and ballet dancing competitively. But ever sense I was little I’ve experienced patches of blue.
When I was fourteen, I got into the cutthroat school of American Ballet in New York. I thought nothing of moving away from my family’s home in Pennsylvania; I was innocent, but very focus. For the first two years, i was one of the strongest dancers in my class, and life was great. But during my junior year, I had a growth spurt. I shot up four inches. It was too much for the teachers to handle- SAB is a finishing school and they couldn’t help me train my new body. Very quickly, i went from being a favorite to blending in. I had always relied on my teacher’s praise. Without it, I felt worthless. By senior year I was moved to a level I didn’t want to be in. I sunk into a deep depression and stopped going to class. I thought if my teachers don’t miss me, why should I go? I felt abandoned and in turn, abandoned everything. I barely spoke to my parents for a year. My mom’s attempts at encouragements only made me feel worse. Instead of dancing, I began composing songs on a keyboard in my dorm room I remember writing “twilight which later made it into my first album and crying all the way through. Music became my savior. I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, though I easily could have. When the feelings are that dark, you just want to stop them. You’re not concerned with the ramifications.
After high school, things were okay for while. I was working toward getting a recording contract. Ironically, life got bad once I signed that contract. It was what I wanted, of course, but it brought on changes I wasn’t ready to handle. My life was on display. I became obsessed with my diet and with working out. I convinced myself I was just following regiment, but when I threw up for the first time, I got scared. So I went on antidepressants.
I had always thought taking drugs for depression was a sign of a sign of weakness- you couldn’t get it together-or that drugs changed your character. But you can have all the tools in the worlds and still think, why can’t I get out of bed? I want to accomplish things. But you can’t.
Once I got through my eating disorder and the contract stress, I went off the medication. But I had a problem again the next year. My album came out and was doing amazingly well. I was seemingly on top of the world. But success, I found out doesn’t equal happiness. If my personal life wasn’t working, and it wasn’t, everything was poisoned. I became unable to give interviews without crying. It was obvious that sadness was affecting my work.
Taking pills didn’t change my life. But it did help me readjust my habits and my state of being. If your mind has a resting place-where it’s inclined to exist-mine would be the blues. I'm outgoing and I don’t mope around, but there’s a heaviness that I always carry.
I now support Mpower(
www.mpoweryouth.org) a Web resource for teens struggling with depression that focus on how music can help you overcome rough times, like it did for me. What’s great about the site is that if you’re uncomfortable telling your parents or friends how you’re feeling, you can still get information online.
Today, I'm happy and healthy preparing for my next record. I take things as they come and try not to over think. I'm not on medication, but I’m afraid I may need it again. I’ve figured out what keeps me going, and that’s the richness of my relationships. If those are solid, then life is grand. If my career tanks, sure, that’d be upsetting, but at the end of the day, if I'm close with my family and my best friends, then I'm pretty lucky.
