Jokes!!

[nomyzs]

Post the best jokes you know.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
- "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
- "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
- "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
- "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
- "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
- "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno

[kev222]

*groan*

Oh man that's bad! Here's one. Okay here goes,

There was a guy walking down the street with an orange for a head (literally an orange in the place of his head). And he walks by this other guy who is immediatley curious as to why the first man has an orange for a head. So he stops him and asks "Hey, how come you have an orange for a head?". The guy with an orange for a head stops and says "Well it's a long story, but I'll explain it to you."

"One day I was walking down the street and I saw something glinting in the light down in the gutter. So I stopped to see what it was and it turned out to be a lamp. So I started to rub the lamp in order to clean it and out popped a genie.  The genie then said 'for freeing me I will grant you three wishes.'"

"Awesome!" I said, "for my first wish I'd like to be fithy rich so that I could buy anything I want". The genie waved his hands and instantly I had everything I'd ever wanted. A huge house, helicopter, collection of sports cars and a huge collection of valuable paintings and other items. I now easily have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life.

"fine." The curious man said, "but what about the orange for a head?". So the man with an orange for a head proceeded.

Then for my second wish I asked, "I wish that I was the most attractive man on earth and had an army of women to fulfill my ever desire.". No sooner than had I spoken the words, the genie had waved his hands and there appeared an army of women keen to serve me and fulfill my every desire. Ever since that day all women have been attracted to me and have only wished to please me in any way I see fit.

The curious man then asks "This is all well and good, but how did you get that orange for a head? What kind of strange curse was associated with the lamp?". The man with an Orange for a head replied. "Well this is the most interesting part of all. You see, for my third and final wish......














.... I wished that I had an orange for a head".


LMAO! I swear I cried laughing the first time I heard this joke. I even laughed now while writing the punch line! lol

hehe. My favourite joke :-D It has a bad track record with Americans, but hopefully you like it.

-Kev

[Wonkies]

Hehe.  Funny but, yeah it doesn't come across as too funny when reading it.  I could see it being hilarious if properly delivered live though.

[tricia]

LMAO

That was strange...I don't think it'd go over well here.  British with your weird humor.

[kev222]

Hehe.  Funny but, yeah it doesn't come across as too funny when reading it.  I could see it being hilarious if properly delivered live though.

Yeah you're right. I should have recorded myself telling it and then linked that :-)

-Kev

[Vultch]

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks in. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his  clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too..."

[Wonkies]

LMFAO!

[kev222]

*sigh*

LMAO. But still nothing compared to the Orange head joke ;-)

[kev222]

What's small green and eats pebbles? ............ A small green pebble eater
What's pink and fluffy? .............. Pink fluff
What's brown and sticky? ............. A stick

-Kev

[kaysha]

kev -- oranges joke is too funny!!!

how about:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved
so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a
small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

...

Not so much an uber-funny joke but amusing none-the-less.

[LostDwarf]

how do you get a group of old women to say f*ck at the same time??

Say bingo

[Jophess]

In a fancy Paris restaraut there was a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants a wish if you tell a true fact.  If you lie, you disappear. Ond day, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead decide to try the mirror. The redhead goes first:

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

POOF! She disappears. The brunette walks up and gives it a try:

"I think I am the prettiest woman on earth"

POOF! She disappears. Now the blonde's turn:

"I think-"

POOF!

[kev222]

My favourite nerd joke

Q: Why doesn't C++ perform garbage collection?

A: Because there'd be nothing left.

LOL.

-Kev

[PintOGuinness]

LMAO.. Kev I thought the Orange Head joke was Hilarious.. but being a long time brit humor fan... that's not surprising... :-)

I may have told this before but it's a damn fine joke:

Seamus McNally had the sad task of knocking on Mrs. O'Neill's door to tell her that her husband had died in an accident at the Guinness plant earlier that day.

Through her tears she asked him what had happened. "It was horrible ma'm." he said. " He fell into the largest vat and drowned."

"Drowned?!?" She cried, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, did he suffer long?"

Seamus replied, "Well, it did take him awhile to pass... he got out 3 times to pee..."

LOL  

[Wonkies]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees an ugly mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"