Well, we thought it was about time we set things straight- so here's a little guide to our favourite condiment. Kev & Rosie: Hmmm. We're positively famished! Whatever shall we have to eat on this fine Autumn (not fall) evening?
Rosie: Let's see... I've got AMERICAN bagels? AMERICAN waffles? or a terrific slice of traditional ENGLISH bread!?
Rosie: No contest! Bread it is.
Kev: Splendid choice! Now what on earth shall we have on it? I have Marmite or Peanut Butter.
Kev: The yanks are always harping on about how great this stuff is, perhaps we should give it a try?
Rosie: Stop! Oh dear God! Nooooo!
Kev: Too late! *heave* Ugh, RANK! *heave* Is this stuff a joke?! If it is, then it's about as funny as an episode of Will & Grace *chunder*
Kev: So it's settled. Our old chum Marmite it is!
Rosie: Spiffing! Now let's teach those tasteless yanks how to make a PROPER tasty snack, shall we?
Rosie: First, place the bread into a PROPER toaster. Warning: do not use anything resembling this abomination against all toaster kind.
Kev: Next, press down the button on your proper toaster. If you do not have a button, then you probably have a crap toaster. Silly n00b.
Rosie: Next take some ENGLISH butter.
Kev: Do make sure that it says it's "English" on the wrapper. American butter no doubt contains inordinately large amounts of fat.
Rosie: Now spread the English butter all over the toast. If any of you are having trouble with this step, then you will probably find it much easier to use our imperialism analogy. Simply imagine that the butter is the set of American values and/or the American way of life and that the toast is the rest of the world.
Kev: If the concept of "rest of the world" confuses you, then try
this
Kev: Spread the marmite on top, nice and thick. Do this in much the same way as above. Remember to use the imperialism analogy if you get stuck.
Rosie: Don't forget to lick your knife!
Rosie: The next step should be a doddle. Simply stuff your face. We won't go into excess detail here because we presume that, as an American, you're highly proficient at stuffing your face already.
Kev: Finally wash it all down with a sip of tea! Cheers!
Rosie: But whatever shall we do with this ghastly peanut butter? It's not fit for human consumption!
Kev: Why not let Pocket have it?
Rosie: She looks frankly DISGUSTED at the sight of it!
Kev: Even our animals won't touch that foreign filth. And I don't blame them!
Kev: There's only one place for peanut butter, the dustbin (do make sure that it goes into a dustbin and not a trash or garbage can)
Rosie: Look! Pocket loves marmite so much that she sleeps with it.
Kev: Even my cat just can't get enough of it.
;-)
-Rosie & Kev
