The Voice Within Me

[itsthefiveofus]

its kind of a poem I just wrote about a certain person

its something new and I don't really like it  well I do and I don't

suggestions?comments? anything is appreciated!




The voice within me
It calls your name
It sees your face

I hate you
I despise you
Why you

I try to get away
Get away from you

But the inner me
It wants you
Wants you closer
To hold you

I see you and I crumble
Crumble to bits and pieces
When I see your face
It puts me back together

But the same face
It’s the face that makes me crack
The inner me fighting to get out
To show my feelings for you

Feelings that are fake
Feelings that are true
Feelings that are uncontrollable

[itsthefiveofus]

well I said I would accept ADVICE and yes comments but come on to just flat out say it sucks and its bad...thats just cruel

yous can say why you think its bad an not good and it sucks not just flat out say it. Thanks a lot  :evil:  :twisted:

[tylor2000]

It seems more like prose than poetry.  It doesn't have any structure or sound nice or beautiful when you read it.  It doesn't have any rhyme, lyrical qualities, or meter of any kind.  It doesn't sound eloquent as most poetry would.  It doesn't have to be strict or perfect but you should rewrite it see if you can attempt to accomplish something closer to those aims.  May I try?  Then you can rewrite in your own way and see if we can come up with anything.

P.S. I don't claim to be a poet, but I'm willing to try and help.

[ste_uel]

me = likes  

[itsthefiveofus]

well atleast one good comment, not that tylor2000's was not good..just saying. I hate posting things like this online, and so see clear why... I just pretty much gave up on this poem, but thanks! I know whoo he wuite, he gave up, yeah well sometimes you just have to quit and just move along.

[ste_uel]

I remember I wrote a song a long time ago but I didn't really like it, but most of ppl thought it was quite good to be my first one, I had tons of good ideas for them, but I just gave up! Don't do the same and keep trying!

[itsthefiveofus]

I remember I wrote a song a long time ago but I didn't really like it, but most of ppl thought it was quite good to be my first one, I had tons of good ideas for them, but I just gave up! Don't do the same and keep trying!

mmhmm well everyone seems to think that its a song...its a poem
than tyler200 said that there was no rhyme to it, I never said it had rhyme, I did not want rhyme, not every poem had to rhyme.

[All I Ask2003]

I remember I wrote a song a long time ago but I didn't really like it, but most of ppl thought it was quite good to be my first one, I had tons of good ideas for them, but I just gave up! Don't do the same and keep trying!

mmhmm well everyone seems to think that its a song...its a poem
than tyler200 said that there was no rhyme to it, I never said it had rhyme, I did not want rhyme, not every poem had to rhyme.

I agree that poems/lyrics don't have to rhyme.  However, they do need a sort of cohesiveness that is missing from your poem.

I think what you have is a good, bare-bones inspiration for a poem.  What it lacks is the evocativeness and an ability to convey the mood to an audience, you know?
If you hone your creativity, you could definitely write something fantastic, I'm sure.

I'm not saying that I'm the ideal lyricist or that I'm great.  Hell, I don't even think I'm that good at all, but I think the tips I gave could really help you out...I hope so anyway.

[MeganJane]

You should write an angry poem about soupdujour. What rhymes with "asshat"?

 :lol:

I really like this bit:

I see you and I crumble
Crumble to bits and pieces
When I see your face
It puts me back together

 

Please don't be too discouraged. Take the ideas you have (and you do have a good idea!), and stick at it. Everyone has to start somewhere.  

And you're right... poems don't have to rhyme.

yous can say why you think its bad an not good and it sucks not just flat out say it. Thanks a lot  

Yeah... when you receive criticism, ask yourself "is this valid?" ie. "what is their motivation for saying that?", and "is taking this comment to heart going to help me?" If their motivation is just to be an ass, and not to help you, then the answer to "is this valid?" would be "no". Also, some people may just not like what someone else has created, whether it's a poem, a painting, or whatever. That's their opinion, but it doesn't mean that that opinion is representative of everyone else's.

I think the best way to learn would be to just keep playing around with it, and also with new ideas. Read other poems that you like and ask yourself what it is that you like about the writing- style, structure, etc. and learn from that.   [/quote]

[tylor2000]

Oh yeah, it doesn't have to rhyme.  I was listing qualities a poem could have to help you think of how you might want it to construct it so it would be more poem like.  I pretty much agree with All I ask2003's comments.  I was just giving constructive criticism.  I think it would be fun for you to try to rewrite it.  I'm still willing to help.  

[itsthefiveofus]

you can rewrite it if you want I don't care, I appreciate the help. But the the person that the poem is about, well I have moved on and if I re write it, it really would not be the same.

[ste_uel]

you can rewrite it if you want I don't care

OMG! dont say that! you were the one who wrote it, and nobody else will be able to say what YOU want to say  :wink:  :wink:  :wink:  :wink:  :wink:

[rainforestspirit]

I really like your poem...I can definitely relate.  :lol:

[itsthefiveofus]

I really like your poem...I can definitely relate.  :lol:

Thanks.

[B]

Remember people, constructive criticism is the key if you don't like something. :wink: