Short story...

[Ms.Redd]

Andrew, great job! I really enjoyed that. Been awhile since I've read something that had me hooked in expectation of what will happen/be said next. (If it was only a novel!)

Anyways, people pretty much said the things I was going to say like about the typos and bad wording... such as: ...the same parties you that we went to.... that often happen when backspacing a couple times trying to get the right effect on what is being said.... Just fix those things. And as far as telling more about Jenna... I wouldn't. I agree, I like figuring things out. But thats why I wish this was a novel (are you going to keep going with it and write a book or keep it a short story and end it as it is?) ... because then I would be able to figure out with time whether Jenna is a whore or if James is so filled up with ego that he all of a sudden feels more powerful over her. I would love to learn who the other guy was, what sort of things that James apparently caught Jenna and him doing, more backflashing of James and Jenna's romantic past, etc... But that all can only come if you do more.... lol

Oh, and one more thing I'm kinda lost on:

-Five, for the five months we didn’t talk to each other.
-Was that why I saw you with HIM downtown last weekend?
-He had been waiting a week for this, he could wait a few more minutes.

Why the jagged jump from five months to a week? It seems okay if you figure that they're relationship was going awry (sp?) for sometime but there isn't anything to hint towards it.... Just seems that all of a sudden the guy wants to hurt her after all the years? that he "just wanted to make her happy." I suppose that could portray built up resentment for not being good enough, but it could perhaps be shown a tad through a sentence or two.... ?

Oh: "She needed to hear this and he needed to hear what she had to say." What was she suppose to say? She never really did say much that had to do with what he was saying... The only thing she said was that she just wanted to make him better.... I dunno. It just seems to be missing something. Something that I was expecting her to say, like pleading to him for forgiveness or something drastic and even patheticly (in James opinion which could therefore be sent to the readers)...

I really did enjoy this and you can write very well, very discriptive and detailed... I loved it! Hope to hear more!

[kev222]

Needs more car chases

-Kev

[Grakthis]

Needs more car chases

-Kev

*adds in*

Then Jenna remembers the bobby pin she has tucked into her sleeve. She quickly uses the pin to cut through her bonds, and rush to the garage.  She hears James out there and grabs a candlestick that happened to be sitting there waiting for her.   She swings the stick down, slamming James in the head and jumps into his Proshe Boxter.  Jenna quickly realizes, she doesn't have the keys.  They are in James' pocket.

Jenna quickly glances over at James' prostrate form to find the spot on the garage floor he once occupied empty except for a small amount of blood.  Suddenly Jenna remembers, and lowers the visor.  The keys to he car fall into her hands and Jenna floors the gas, pulling down the winding driveway.

Speeding off down the street, she knows she has to reach the police station in town, or atleast get far enough away to think.

Then, in her rear view mirror, she sees JAMES driving a semi-truck.  She had forgotten he had one of those tucked away in case of an emergency.

*dramatic chase sceene insues*

*things blow up. Other cars get mangled*

*James ramps a car, flips over three times, comes to a rest.  3 second pause then the truck blows up*

*Jenna escapes and lives happily ever after*

*the end*

Better?  :wink:

[jlmusicchick]

Needs more car chases

-Kev

*adds in*

Then Jenna remembers the bobby pin she has tucked into her sleeve. She quickly uses the pin to cut through her bonds, and rush to the garage.  She hears James out there and grabs a candlestick that happened to be sitting there waiting for her.   She swings the stick down, slamming James in the head and jumps into his Proshe Boxter.  Jenna quickly realizes, she doesn't have the keys.  They are in James' pocket.

Jenna quickly glances over at James' prostrate form to find the spot on the garage floor he once occupied empty except for a small amount of blood.  Suddenly Jenna remembers, and lowers the visor.  The keys to he car fall into her hands and Jenna floors the gas, pulling down the winding driveway.

Speeding off down the street, she knows she has to reach the police station in town, or atleast get far enough away to think.

Then, in her rear view mirror, she sees JAMES driving a semi-truck.  She had forgotten he had one of those tucked away in case of an emergency.

*dramatic chase sceene insues*

*things blow up. Other cars get mangled*

*James ramps a car, flips over three times, comes to a rest.  3 second pause then the truck blows up*

*Jenna escapes and lives happily ever after*

*the end*

Better?  :wink:

I'd buy it on amazon

[LimeTwister]

And sometimes you find yourself going all "dickens" on the story and spending 5 pages describing the room

haha, no.

That's cuz I have this weird thing saying "you're writing too much, DAMN IT" in my head....of course my English teacher doesn't like that voice...he also doesn't like my lack of proofreading....

[kev222]

Better?

Perfect! It brought a tear to my eye.

-Kev

[Tia]

All in all, I think it's great.

But I agree with Rosie on the cliches and eye work outs. :-P

So I guess, the question I would like to pose to the panel is "How do you feel about James?"

Do you feel sympathetic?  Do you hate him?  Do you feel sorry for him?  etc etc etc.

I think Jenna's the evil one here...

It brought a tear to my eye.

Poor baby *pets*